Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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