I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I can't turn off my feet"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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