Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
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