his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
