how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
