I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize