Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
