so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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