Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
