it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Boobs are out for the taking
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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