Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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