Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
