The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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