Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
