there's paper in my vomit.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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