Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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