So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
my liver is dry heaving
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
