she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
