pedialite and red bull = repair kit
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
