But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
