i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
