Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
