Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
