how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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