OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
