I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
