Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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