when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
