Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
