So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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