the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
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literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
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I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3