don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
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Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
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The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.