You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
mondays should just be called national damage control day
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name