I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
