So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
