I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
