I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize