We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
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