remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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