she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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