Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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