I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Couch. On fire.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
