I will die if light touches me.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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