So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
