I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Pants are for mortals
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
