I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
