So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
