Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
