She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
