i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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