So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
