He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
