Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I fill condoms, not promises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize