Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
