The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
