She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
