There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
